Thanks for visiting! Welcome back!
Real Estate Client Referrals recommends you sign in with Facebook
and become a fan of our Page

Let me start of by saying that this is satire. And this should be read with that idea in mind. It is intended to be humorous. Nothing more. Ok?

As long as we understand one another, you can keep reading…

If not, please push ALT + F4 now.

Common Man’s Dictionary to Real Estate Advertising

1 car garage: Sure, you can drive your Ford Escort into the garage but there is no room to open the door.

Advertisement: A tool used by business to get money out of people that don’t have it for something that they don’t really need.

And much, much more: Truthfully, nothing else comes to mind. But, we can’t tell you that.

Auditor: Person that arrives after battle to finish off the wounded.

Bank: Loan shark.

Beachfront property: No hurricane insurance available at any price.

Bedroom in basement: The basement has a 1′ by 2′ window you might be able to squeeze yourself through as an alternative to burning to death in a structure fire.

Bright and sunny: No window treatments or venetian blinds are included because previous owners simply nailed Pikachu blankets to the window frames.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT: Do you really need a two-story live oak tree in your 30-foot stained-glass sky dome?

Broker: What buying a house is going to make you.

Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the things you want.

Build sweat equity: The house is not habitable currently and unless you plan on working your hind end off to make it livable, it would be easier to bulldoze this place and live in a tent.

Cape Cod: Stylized after a 74 yr old lobster fisherman’s garage.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Cathedral Ceiling: You will go broke trying to heat this place. It would be easier to set fire to the couch.

Charming: Small. See also, “Tiny”. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See also “Cute,” “Enchanting,” and “Good Starter Home.”

Close to all amenities: The backyard is a shopping mall parking lot.

Close to Schools: You will spend a generous portion of your morning and evening commute stuck behind buses in just about every street you attempt to take to avoid them.

Comfortable: One coat closet larger than the “Charming” home.

Commuter’s Dream: Located at the bottom of an off-ramp right beside a truck stop.

Completely Remodeled: Not only does this statement give the company attorney a stroke, it also usually means new kitchen counter tops and a vanity sink in the bathroom.

Complete remodeling in 1992: Hurricane Andrew…’nuff said.

COMPLETELY UPDATED: At the advise of the listing agent, the seller has decided to remove the metallic gold shag carpeting from the living room and replaced the avocado colored stove.

Contemporary: The house is at least 15 years old.

Country living: Too far from anywhere to drive to work…or to shop…or get to an emergency room in time to prevent bleeding out from a paper cut.

Country in the city: A grotesquely overpriced large lot with a 2 bedroom house built before World War I that used to be on 100 acres that have been split off and sold to a Home Depot and a car dealership. Yes, there is a Starbucks in the parking lot.

Cozy: Not a single room could fit a full sized bed. And, the toilet doubles as a kitchen counter when you close the lid.

DARING DESIGN: It’s a warehouse.

Desirable neighborhood: This “charming” house is extravagantly overpriced thanks to being located next to a neighborhood where the snobs live.

Doll-house: Tiny place filled with ugly knick-knacks.

Easy Care Yard: Acres of Red or White rock used to systematically cover actual useful space.

Easy freeway access: Located right on the noisiest arterial street closest to the freeway.

Easy to heat: See “cozy”.

Efficiently designed kitchen: The kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same time and everything you need to reach is simply done so by turning around. The down side is that in order to open the stove, you have to step into the living room.

Everything’s Been Updated: Sure, they updated all the things inside the house…but the house itself has been condemned.

Executive neighborhood: Everyone’s last name in this area is Jones. And yes…you are required to keep up with them.

Extra Storage: Four coat hooks nailed on the back of the front door.

Gated Community: There is a reason it is gated…Every seen ‘District 9′???

Great Starter Home: House has 4 rooms. Two of which are additions.

Handyman Special: Forget It! You don’t have the skill required to make this home livable.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY: Lots of steel shelving with little holes. You know…the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement. There is also a lot of glass in places most people wouldn’t put it.

Wont last long!: This home hasnt sold in 374 days after two price reductions and the sellers have finally given up hope on making any money on this sale so they dropped the price another $20K.

Immaculate: Remove your shoes. Chances are the carpet is white along with the walls, furniture, cabinets, appliances, and the family pet.

In-city living: The house comes with a deadbolt lock on all windows, a bar across the door capable of stopping a battering ram…and a moat. Being outside in this neighborhood after dark will probably require an armed escort.

Institutional Investor: A active housing investor from 2006 who is now locked up in a mental institute.

Just available: The previous owner just died on the premises. That is the only way anyone would want to sell a home in this market unless they are trying to save a foreclosure. Hope you don’t believe in ghosts.

Large family room: The basement can hold a couch and a chair…which is more than can be said for the living room. Just try to keep the kids from eating the exposed insulation.

Lots of storage space: The basement is too small to be called a family room.

Low maintenance lot: No yard. The kids will have to play in the street. Or, maybe in the shopping mall parking lot.

Luxury Living: It has a Jacuzzi tub. It’s leaning against the wall of the garage. But, at least it has one.

Market Correction: The day after you buy a house.

MUCH POTENTIAL: Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and actually believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See “Ready to Rehab,” and “Fixer Upper.”

Must see inside: Yeah…that’s cause the outside is ugly.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE: An absolutely accurate statement. It is hard to drive that kind of pain home through the eye without actually using a sharp instrument and a forceful thrust.

Market Correction: The term your broker/agent uses for a market crash while telling you that your house is worth 37% of what you paid for it.

Meticulously maintained in the original condition: The avocado-colored appliances are 50 years old. Minimum.

Modern: It doesn’t have a dirt floor and it is insulated with something other than beaver pelts and flour sacks.

Motivated sellers: Subtract 15% from the asking price and see if they counter.

Natural setting: Forget about planting anything because the deer will eat everything in your yard but the sagebrush and knapweed.

Near transportation: an Amtrak train goes through the backyard roughly every 15 minutes, day and night.

Neighborhood Watch: Your next door neighbor has binoculars trained on your house. Your movements are tracked and reported to the police any time you have company.

Newly remodeled kitchen: The 50-year old cabinetry and faucets have been replaced with cheap modern equivalents.

Nice Condition: Apparently “nice” means different things to different people. See also: “Lipstick on a pig”.

Nighttime Security: The street lights located on all corners of the home completely eliminate darkness 24 hours a day. Sleep is impossible.

No need to preview: Yeah, because if you did, you wouldn’t show it!

Old charmer: Herbert from Family Guy lives next door.

ONE-OF-A-KIND: Ugly as sin. The neighbors hope the place burns down so their property value goes up.

Park-like setting: There is a tree located somewhere on this block.

Partial mountain view: You can see the tip of (insert name of local mountain) if you climb the roof and stand on a chair.

Pet friendly neighborhood: Various forms of organic matter are constantly deposited in your front lawn despite the fact that you don’t own any pets.

Plenty of Parking: The stadium across the street has ACRES of parking spaces available.

Practicing Water Conservation: Yeah, the lawn is died. No one watered it. Ever. (Thank you Steve and Heather Ostrom!)

Prestigious: Expensive. Probably not worth it, either.

Prime Location: We have already had better offers from more qualified people than you…don’t ask.

Quaint: Buy a wall paper steamer so you can get that crap off the wall without having to gut the entire place.

Ready to move in: The interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint and the shag carpeting has been raked and shampooed.

Ready to remodel: This place is about to collapse; you will have to invest twice the asking price in remodel before you can move in. Seen the movie “The Money Pit”??

Recreation room with wet bar: Basement has been sheet-rocked, painted and has a faucet.

Reduced To Move: See also: “Walmart Rollback”

Rent With Option to Buy: We know you wont be able to qualify for crap…But, if you can make steady payments, it works for us.

Safe Neighborhood: Regardless of your attempts at privacy, your neighbors will continue to attempt to peer through the slits in your Venetian blinds. See also: “Neighborhood Watch”

Seasonal creek: There is a 4 foot wide, 6 inch deep muddy ditch that runs across the property…And it only fills up after a good rain or during spring thaw.

Secluded setting: The only thing further away from civilization is a polar ice cap. Grizzly Adams once lived here.

Show and Sell: In other words, the listing agent will be doing no marketing and the stubborn seller doesn’t want it staged.

Shows Well: The seller actually cleans the place up before you bring your buyers over.

Sophisticated: Plain. White walls with zebra print rug and furnishings. A large piece of abstract art is in the dining room and a canvas the size of a Chevy hangs on the wall covered in what appears to be pantyhose, tin foil, and computer diskettes.

Spacious: We knocked out a wall and expanded the living room into the garage.

Sprawling ranch: Inefficient floor plan that appears to have been designed by a drunk monkey.

Storybook: This house is old and the roof is not flat. See also: “Little House On The Prairie”

Stunning house: The house is not ugly…the interior, on the other hand…

Sunny corner lot: There are no trees anywhere near this property located on the corner of the two busiest streets in town.

Sunken Tub: The tub isn’t sunken…it fell through the floor. The remaining structure is only capable of holding water or a body. Not both.

Territorial view: Great view of your neighbor’s bedroom window and “private” hot tub with the glass roof. If you lean hard against the glass and look hard to the left, you can see a broken down Pontiac in the alley.

Three season sun room: Putting screen up around your front porch does not make it a “sun room”.

TLC: Tear down, Level and Condemn!! (This after a Realtor told me her country property needed just a little TLC…Upon visiting, I promptly fell through the front porch up to my knees!)

Townhouse: A 3 story walk-up on the north side that is sandwiched between two others that look exactly the same. Not only can you hear your neighbors fight, but you hear when they play music, watch TV, use the bathroom, or blink.

Tudor: A quaint two bedroom where both bedrooms are now in the attic which is not insulated.

UNIQUE CITY HOME: Used to be a warehouse.

UPPER BRACKET: No, this doesn’t include you. See also: “Executive Neighborhood” and “Prestigious”

Usable land: Vacant lot. Probably filled with broken glass, nails, large rocks, bicycle parts, and Jimmy Hoffa.

Victorian Sweetheart: Once you steam off the wallpaper, you will need to strip off 14 layers of lead-based paint.

Walking distance to (insert noun here): There is nowhere to park your car within 20 minutes of this house.

Well Below Market: We keep having to reduce the price on this shanty because nobody wants it.

Will Help Finance: Soooo….the owners know they’re asking too much. And, taking that into consideration, they are more than willing to “help” you get into this house that you can not qualify on your own.

YOU’LL LOVE IT: No. No, you wont.

Feel free to add your own in the comments!!! Id love to see them!!

Follow Clint on Twitter and make sure you go to the RECR fanpage and become a fan!! If you have any questions about RECR, please call Clint at 800-977-7058.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.

He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God,it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

The loan was approved.

I have written posts in the past about guerrilla marketing and how it can dramatically affect brand awareness by simply thinking outside the box.

This is a viral video started by placing a random Coke machine on a random college campus and filming the results as part of a global marketing campaign launch.

If you ask me…what resulted was — AWESOME!

This is one of the greatest things I have ever seen!!

Tell me that didn’t make you smile…

Your challenge — figure out a way to make an impact within your sphere of influence. Stand out. Become the ‘top-of-mind’ selection.

Because everyone needs to be reminded how not to suck….

I decided I needed to get a new pair of shoes. The ones that I have are a couple years old and, quite frankly, a bit worn out.  So, I decided to head to the local ShoeEmporiumMart and get myself some shoes.  I knew exactly what I wanted…and in what section of the store to find it.  As I entered the store, I saw a couple customers browsing and 3 sales attendants by the cash register.

As I stroll past them, one of them says, “Hi. I will be right with you.” Assuming she was discussing something important and required time to finish her discussion, I went on my own.

Fine with me…I know what I want anyway. I head over to the shoes I want and the specific shoe I am after is not on the shelf.  So, I hunt around for a couple minutes only to figure out that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason as to how these shoes are shelved…and decide I would “hunt down” that kind lady that said she would help me.

After a minute or two of looking, I find her at the counter again chatting with the other two sales reps about her obviously too intense weekend of drunken debauchery.  I ask her if she knew where I could find my New Balance 820s in a 4E…and without even skipping a beat, she says to me and I quote….”I said I would be with you in a minute”.

I don’t think I have to tell you what happened next…..

Suffice it to say that I got my shoes from FootLocker instead.

You see…like this example, some aspects of your sales ability are painfully obvious to your customers.  But, some of them are much more subtle than this example…Subtle enough that you probably don’t even know that you are doing them.  But, your clients know.  Believe me!

So, here are some ‘subtle’ and some not-so-subtle ways that you suck literally destroy your relationship (and your reputation) with your clients.

Be inaccessible. One the primary complaints I receive from the clients I refer to agents is that the agent is hard to reach.  Heck, one of the major complaints I hear from other agents is that some agents are hard to reach.  Don’t answer your phone.  And, when someone takes the time to leave a message, don’t worry about calling back.  After all, if they want to reach you so bad, they will just call back, right?

Talk more/listen less. Youre the important one here.  Youre the expert.  What they have to say is not important at all because you have all the answers.

Be dishonest. Nothing will turn off a client more than being dishonest.  The phrase ‘a web of lies’ implies that it takes a lie to cover up a lie.  And another one to cover up that one and so on.

Ignore simple manners. Whether you like it or not, your manners matter to your clients.  Go ahead…keep your clients on hold.  Talk on your cell phone about nothing that relates to your clients that are standing right in front of you.  Use profanity and disrespectful language around your clients.  Say something negative about another client in the presence of one of your clients.  Go ahead…it’s the truth, right?

Take “No” for an answer. That’s right…just give up. Automatically assume that the client will never work out because you heard the word ‘No’ the first time you contacted them.  After all, only the “serious” customers that are ready to go right now are worth your time.

Don’t get to know your customers. Ignore the important things in their lives.  Don’t worry about birthdays or anniversaries.  Forget that they have 4 dogs they treat like children.  Ignore the fact that the ugly vase on the mantle is actually Great Grandpa George.  Don’t get to know them on a personal level…its not required anyway.  After all, they are just walking dollar signs, right?

I would bet that 98% of the people that read this will already know why you shouldn’t do these things and completely deny that they suck do any of them.

So, the next logical step in this conversation: Well, what should I do instead?

Simple. Dont suck.

BE ACCESSABLE! Answer your phone whenever possible.  Reply to all messages and email within a maximum of 6 hours.  Make sure that your clients understand that you are there for them and that you appreciate the fact that they trusted you enough to want to contact you.

LISTEN! You were given two ears and only one mouth.  That means you should listen twice as much as you talk.  Take the time to listen to your clients. What they have to say is important to them.  Therefore, it MUST be important to you.  Ignore your rehearsed responses to standard objections and tailor them to fit the specific needs of your client’s concerns.  Make them feel important…because they are!

BE HONEST! Be honest to a fault, if need be.  In this market, clients need an advocate that is out for THEM not THEMSELVES. Say what you mean.  Don’t beat around the bush about facts that need to be said.  Even if what is needed is a smackdown…it would be better for you to do it and be honest about it than to be deceitful and then get caught in the lie later on.  You have one shot to build trust…don’t blow it.

USE YOUR MANNERS! For sales people that want to reach the top rung of the ladder, there is no substitute for patience, civility, and good old fashioned manners.  Say ‘please’.  Say ‘thank you’.  Make eye contact with people when they are speaking to you.  Open doors for people.  It sounds silly, but these things are not just marketing gimmicks designed to make a client happy.  They are the tried and true marks of good character.

FOLLOW UP! Whether you want to believe it or not, sometimes “no” means “not right now”.  I see this every day with my company.  Agents simply give up after the initial contact with a potential customer because they were told “no”. It has been proven time and again that it takes seven points of contact for a consumer to remember who you are and why you are trying to contact them.  So, it is up to you to ensure that happens.  Call your prospects.  Email your prospects.  Work your leads. Don’t just give up initially because you didn’t get the answer you wanted on the initial request.  Sales isn’t a McDonald’s drive-thru.  You might have to ask more than once…or twice…or eight times.  I work with an agent currently that just landed an exclusive agency agreement on 35 properties because she followed up on a referral from my company that screamed at her on her initial phone call.  (If you want to hear the whole story, contact me…be happy to share.)

KNOW YOUR PEOPLE! Notice I didn’t use the word ‘client’.  I have said time and time again that this is a people business.  You deal with people.  And, they should be treated as such.  Get to know them on a personal level.  Use that to your advantage. Remember their kids’ names; their dog’s name.  Ask about the things in their life that are important to them and make them important to you as well.  By the same token, allow them to get to know you.  Developing a rapport and trust is mutual.  It has always been true, you must be able to give before you are proven worthy to receive.  That rule holds true here also.

It is a hard and fast rule of business that it costs six times more money or time to cultivate a new client as it does to retain a current one.  And, in this market, I would bet it costs even more.  Extraordinary customer service skills will only lead to successful retention of your clientele.  And that will ensure that you dont suck.

If you would like more information on Real Estate Client Referrals www.recr.com, please contact Clint at 800-977-7058 or on Twitter at www.twitter.com/TheRealClint

With so many people doing their best to set themselves up for a better year in 2010, I thought I would share a post I wrote a while back that seems to be more pertinent now…

I recently read an article that really sparked my interest.  The article was simply a basic list of the ways that someone could re-invent themselves by investing time and effort into the one asset that all agents have – Themselves.

The key principle to this article was the fact that, despite this uncertain market, there are people that appear to be striving to make their own abilities better and five ways to do so.  Below is the list that was in the article…and a good healthy dose of my own explanations as to why this is so important in this uncertain market.

IMAGE: You chose a career in real estate to be an independent business person.  So, do you carry yourself in a professional manner?  Do you “look the part”? Do you have your business cards on you?  Are you showing that you are proud of whom you work for or what you do?  Whether you want to believe it or not, your image IS your first impression.  Make sure that the impression you are making is the on that you actually want to make.  There are some places where you can get away with blue jeans and a nice shirt.  There are other places where a suit is more appropriate.  Dress the part! Maintain your personal image.  Get your hair cut or styled.  Ladies…get your nails done.  Guys…shave every day.  (Believe me, I realize that sucks …I’m a guy…I understand.  But, its 2 or 3 minutes…and it makes a ton of difference to those around you.)  I actually know of one agent that wears a tuxedo to all of his closings.  That is part of his image.  It is what sets him apart from the rest.  (His name is Todd Waller out of Ann Arbor, Michigan, and he works for RealEstateOne.  But, you can get more info on him and his Team366 at www.blog.team366.net.)

TRAINING: Aside from the mandatory requirements involved, you should try to find as many different options to better your ability as you can.  Take the time to sit down with your broker to discuss some in-house training options.  If you know of any free options for training, jump on it.  Any training you involve yourself in will only re-emphasize the skill set you already have developed.  So, it will not be wasted time or effort.  You never know, you may learn something.  (Also, anything that you can learn about social networking…that is a must!  Trust me on this…this is a skill that does require some time to master, but you will not regret it!)

NETWORKING: Making yourself known in the community by getting involved with community events is a great way of networking with some of the more influential people in your market.  Get involved with the community. Start working with the Chamber of Commerce.  Go to PTA meetings.  Join Toastmasters.  Get involved in your local neighborhood activities.  Surrounding yourself with such innovative, like-minded people will help you with both your image and your over-all success.  Most people do business with people that they know on a social level.  So, networking like this is a key to success in a troubled market.

MENTORING: They say that the teacher will always learn something from the student.  Become a mentor for younger agents.  Help them be successful.  This will cause you to make sure that what you are doing is what you SHOULD be doing.  It will help you cross your ‘T’s and dot your ‘I’s, as it were.  Besides…there are times when you can actually team up and work together for the success of each.

YOU: Seems weird that I have to add this since this entire post is about you.  But, if you are not taking good care of yourself, you will not have the energy or the will to commit to the rest of this list.  Take care of your own body and mind. Get sleep.  It is probably more important than anything else you can do for yourself.  Make sure you get some exercise.  (In this industry with showing property and running from one location to another, that usually isn’t hard…but you should do 30 minutes of cardio every day.)  Eat right.  (Did you know that eating an apple will actually wake you up better than a cup of coffee??)  Bring fresh fruits with you on your appointments and eat them when you can.  Avoid the drive-thrus.  If you don’t know where else to start in your investments in you…look in the mirror and start there.

If you would like information on how to get more clients, please contact Clint at 800-977-7058.  Or, visit www.recr.com.  Or, follow Clint on Twitter at www.twitter.com/TheRealClint.